"Stir in me a love that's deep. A love that's wide, a love that's sweet. And help me, Lord, to never keep it to myself. And if my heart should dimly burn, and if my feet should fail to run, call my name and I will come right back to you." These lyrics have hit me hard after the past few weeks I've had. When troubles and anxiety rise, I have a tendency to run, to hide, and to feel an aching in my heart. But even during these times, I strive for God to awaken my heart and feel his Holy Spirit break through any walls I start to build up. Because as much power as I give my fear and anxiety, I forget that He is stronger than anything my aching heart will face.
One common theme of my posts that I mention are "seasons". The bible talks about seasons of life and embracing them as they come, knowing that not every season lasts forever. Well I am currently in a season of grief and high anxiety. And those two things together are a deadly combination for me. In my grief, I've been questioning whether or not my mom would be proud of me? If she'd see where I'm at, almost two years after she passed, and be content with how I've lived my life so far? My anxiety is screaming "NO!" but God is screaming "YES!". Another thing my mind has been racing about is relationships; Am I a burden to those around me? Should I keep quiet about what I'm struggling with? In this scenerio my anxiety is screaming "YES!" and God is screaming "NO!". There is a battle waging within my mind and heart, fighting the truths that God is telling me. Why? Sin and death were both overcome when that veil was torn in two, and Jesus had won the battle against darkness. And that is his reigning truth. He had won for me, to love me boldly and without restraints. So why am having trouble living boldly for him?
I've been told that I need to fight for love, to make adjustments to my character and personality in order for people to like me... all of me. And because of that, I have allowed my anxiety and fear to convince me to hide, to keep to myself. But that's not how God works, that's how this sinful world works. Love has already been fought and won for me. All of me. That's the promise Jesus made on that cross, that I so easily forget sometimes. But thankfully our God is a patient and understanding God. And he walks beside me at times when I just don't have the strength to run. But He is working in me and through me everyday, and when I have the strength to run, He will run with me.
The purpose of this post has two important reminders:
1. That God made me exactly the way I am and he is proud of that, of me. So I should be too. I have the strength needed to overcome any obstacles with him by my side. And with that strength comes confidence. Confidence to live boldly and not keep to myself.
2. Anxiety and fear are lies meant to distract me from God and his Truth. I want to push fear and anxiety to the side, bringing boldness and love into my focus. I don't ever want to keep God's love a secret and the work he's doing in me.
So with all that being said here are some truth's....
God is patient during all seasons of life. Be gracious with yourself and what your facing.
What other people think of you (or even what you think of you) is not always a perfect depiction of the way God see's you. He loves all of you and views you as a perfect creation.
Stepping back and asking God to reveal his heart to you is the best form of medicine. His Holy Spirit will flood your heart with prevailing truths.
"God doesn't want us to be shy with his gifts, but bold and loving and sensible."