Hi there. I've been hiding. Hiding from people, my grief, and most of all... God. Not exactly proud to admit the last one, but it's true and I've recently discovered why. While I was on my hiatus from posting, the anniversary of my Mother's passing has come and gone. The pain and discomfort is still present, as if it happened last week. My grief has been trying so hard to breakthrough the walls that I've built so high, but I haven't let it. Grief is persistent. It needs to see the light, just like Ivy breaking through the concrete on the side of a house, it needs to be seen... to be acknowledged. You'd think with all the loses I've experienced I'd be better at the grieving process, but that has proven to be a complete lie. Instead of running towards the uncomfortable and confronting it, I ran away and I hid. And because I hid from my grief, my relationships with friends, family, and God has suffered. It was not my intention to do so, but it happened. So after much prayer and arguments with the Lord, I'm done hiding. I need to confront my grief and acknowledge the huge loss that I've endured. So here we go.
Losing my Mom has been one of the most frustrating and rewarding experiences of my life. Frustrating because I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to being an adult, especially when I still feel like a kid. I was forced into adulthood, there was no preparation or anything I could've done to handle a life where I had to pursue trials without both of my parents. Over the past two months I have said to myself over and over again, "I want my Mom." That's what little kids say when they miss their Mom at a sleepover or because they're scared of something. But I'm not a little kid anymore, I'm an adult. And even though I'm an adult, it doesn't make missing my Mom any less difficult. But within the frustration, I've experienced things that have been incredibly rewarding; Such as a loving support system within my family, friends, and the Church. Recognizing what characteristics I take after my mom...I'm so much like her, it catches me off-gaurd sometimes. It's the little things she used to do like forgetting that her glasses were on her head, or doing laundry right before I have to leave the house. It's simple things that add up into one big beautiful picture of who my Mom was and how she shaped me.
There's a song I've been listening to on repeat while writing this post, The Garden by Kari Jobe. The lyrics caught my attention and brought me to tears.. "I can see the Ivy. Growing through the wall. Cause You will stop at nothing to heal my broken soul." Well you remember the Ivy reference I made at the beginning of the post? Yes? Well that was a happy accident. It wasn't until I took a break from writing and looked up the lyrics to the song, that I noticed the connection. Amazing right? The way God works when you least expect it. But the lyrics to this song are exactly how I'm feeling right now. "Faith is rising up like Ivy. Reaching for the light. Hope is stirring deep inside me. Making all things right." Faith and Hope are stirring in my heart. This grief I'm working through, even though it's uncomfortable, is manageable with Christ on my side. He knows I'm hurting, that I miss my Mom. And He is diving into the deep end with me.
Our God is a good God. Our God is a strong God. And Our God is a faithful God. He is persistent in pursuing a relationship with us. No matter how much we try to hide, He see's us for who we are and calls us His. Wanted. Adored. Loved.
You do not have to walk through trials alone. God is always available and He will lead you.
Christ has a plan for your life. And experiencing the uncomfortable is part of it.
The fears you face Today will become strength Tomorrow.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."