I am broken. But my brokenness doesn't define me. I am learning everyday about myself and the woman I am becoming. I strive and leap, but also fall and drown just as much, if not more. My life right now...heck! My life for the past 7 months has been a whirlwind. On days like today my anxiety creeps up on me for reasons unknown, and it's hard for me to figure out how to get myself out of this rut. But everyday I wake up, I crawl out of bed and trip over my dog, and I fight. I fight for my happiness and to be content where God has me in this season of life. I fight so that I can prove to myself that I am strong enough, that I am worthy enough... that no matter what obstacles come along and what mountains I have to climb, I can climb them because I have faith and trust in my heavenly father.
So lets break this down a tad. In the month of September, 2014, my mother brought me, my sister (Paige), her husband (Josh), and my brother (Connor) all into the living room. This day, this moment right here... it's frozen for me. Its frozen because of this... "I have cancer. Stage 4 Melanoma cancer." Hearing my mother utter those words were gut wrenching. The pain I felt in that moment, the pain I feel now, this is a kind of pain you cant express or put into words. For the next two and a half years my life was completely centered around my moms health. I watched treatment after treatment fail. Not only her body deteriorating but also her mental health. And after a very long and drawn out battle, the Lord decided it was her time. So as of June 8th 2016, I have been mourning and coping with the loss of my mother.
Now I know that was a lot to read in one paragraph but hear me out, I don't want to sugar coat anything. I don't want to hide my pain or my scars because this pain and these scars are shaping me. I am actually proud of my scars because they show just how far I've come and how far I'm going to go. And my mother... man my mother through every sleepless night, every hospital visit, and bad news...she focused on her relationship with God. She trusted Him and His promise for her, she trusted in the promise He holds for me and my siblings. So bring on the tears! Bring on the uncomfortable and the pain, because you know what? I can handle it. I can handle it with Christ.
So Remember that no matter what the circumstances are, if they're crappy or wonderful, you've got to embrace the season God has you in right now. And I am working through this season of mine. So what are today's truths?
I am loved and I am wanted.
I can find rest and peace in my Heavenly Father.
This season, is exactly that... a season. It is not forever.
"Fear not for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."